Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
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Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
#MeanwhileinCanada
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.