me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
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My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
That took me a moment.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?