If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
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Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.