“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
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My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Never ghost your hitman.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Awwwww shit.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
The fall of Netflix
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.