AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
You Might Also Like
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie