I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
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Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
everyone’s a critic
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
My brain is a bad influence on me