2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
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My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
no one likes gloating
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up