Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room