HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
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Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
I would like even faster food.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
[montage of me giving-up]