i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
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[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Quadruple digit IQ
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.