There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
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“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road