That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
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Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
even bears disappoint their mothers
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.