“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
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Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence