[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
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The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Said the murderer.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
can’t believe I got front row seats
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?