10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
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I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Things will get butter, keep churning
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.