Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
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Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
i think both sides are to blame here
If you love someone, let them sleep.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”