I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
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Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat