Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
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I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up