Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
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synchronized noseblowing
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
“I’m helping” 😅
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
just make the entire table out of coaster
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man