Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
You Might Also Like
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes