LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
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Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
only 11 steps left
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing