When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
You Might Also Like
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
how much for the angry fruit?
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?