airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
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I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
constantly working on myself.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
I’m about to risk it all
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”