Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
You Might Also Like
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.