Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
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Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Oh the world we live in…
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.