You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
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Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
never deleting this app.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.