I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
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One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise