Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
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A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
#damn
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit