That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
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wtf management?!
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door