When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
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I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band