You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
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While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
selfie game
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?