Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
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Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Duolingo getting serious.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Me trying to reach for my goals
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
😂😂😂
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back