Just me?
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You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders