If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
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Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
The cashier just checked me out.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.