Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
You Might Also Like
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.