“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
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interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.