I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
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[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig