[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
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“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
can’t talk my ride’s here
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
I am never leaving this website
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.