“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
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I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
These are too funny not to post 😂
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
I’m aging like a fine banana