Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
You Might Also Like
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!