Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
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I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat