Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
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me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
They’re really bad with fonts.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.