restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
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Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull