I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
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Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
who wore it better?
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
I’m already scared
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.