me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
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*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Hitlers gonna hitl
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.