Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
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Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.