“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
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Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
best first i’ve ever seen
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’