Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
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My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
My favorite type of men is ramen.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in