My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
You Might Also Like
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle