“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
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[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Whoa 😂
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..